Friday, June 1, 2012

Acceptance with grace

I have been told by many people upon hearing my stories of my life and all that I have experienced that I should write a book about my life.  I have always shrugged them off, with the thinking that yes, it is nice to be validated in this way, but no, I do not have what it takes to write a book. Besides, to my mind, a book a person writes about their own life should have a point - a conclusion, a lesson to share with readers.  My life is far from over (I hope), and I have been hard pressed to know what the lesson is that I must share.

More recently, it was suggested to me that my story is a "cautionary tale" for other women either entering into, or considering entering into, or even already entered into marriage with a man for whom it is his second marriage, a man who has an ex-wife with an ax to grind and children from a first marriage who believe their lives are "a priori" for their father.  However,  I shook my head and said that I could not do that.  My reason now was that so doing would be to negate Hashem's plan for me, for my life.

I have come to conclusion, albeit not easily and not happily, that where I am in my life is where Hashem wanted me to be. I had to endure some nasty moments in my life to get here. I am living a good life. Is it perfect?  No.  Perfect, if such a thing exists, would to my mind, mean I was married, that I had a husband.  But I am living in Eretz Yisrael.  I am close to my daughter, son in law, grandchildren, sister, nieces and nephews, and friends  -- all here.

Apparently, I merited to come to Israel and to live here.  I get chills when I think about this.

I have frequently said that I have witnessed G-d's hand in my life - every time some amazingly good thing happens, every time events appear to be fortuitous, every time a seemingly random happenstance that makes everything work out just perfect, I say it was "hashgacha pratis" - divine providence, the hand of G-d, orchestrating my life.  But when the bad things happen I have not said that, I have gotten angry, upset, resentful.      Perhaps because I believe in a G-d that is good, that is benevolent, I have problems attributing to Him even the bad stuff that happens in my life.  Additionally, if I were to admit that it comes from Him, then I would also have to admit a shortcoming in myself - because G-d would not give me "bad gifts" if I did not deserve them.  Although, there is a fallacy in that thinking as well.  Perhaps G-d "shakes up my world" at times, to force me to pay attention, or to learn a lesson, or to change one or some of my ways.  Lately, however, I am trying to change my attitude and the way I view these things.  EVERYTHING is from Hashem, the good and the bad, and I have to learn to accept ALL of them with grace.  THAT is the lesson I am taking from my life thus far.

Shabbat Shalom!

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