Anyway, this post is not meant to be a rumination the state of affairs regarding ADD and/or the concept of multi-tasking. It is meant to be venting of my frustration over how exhausting I am finding my life to be at this time.
Some of that exhaustion is due to the enormous levels of stress that have prevailed in my life over the past several years. Based on the information in this website: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale my stress level is:
- Death of spouse 100
- Divorce (the litigation to which I was subject was tantamount to a divorce) 73 Losing my job 47
- Retirement (I am semi-retired, not entirely by choice) 45
- Change in health of family member (my mom was ill, my ex husband was ill, my son in law's grandmother was ill -- all at the same time) 44
- Major change in financial state 38
- Trouble with in laws 29
- Changes in living conditions 25
- Change in work hours, conditions 20
- Change in residence (TWICE) 20
- Changes in recreational activities, (had to stop due to physical limitations) 19
- Changes in shul activities 19
- Changes in social activities 18
- Changes in sleeping habits 16
- Changes in number of family gatherings 15
According to the Holmes and Rahe stress scale a score of 300 or more means one is at risk of illness! I scored 528!!
Add to this the fact that I am disabled - severely to profoundly deaf!
My current concerns have been and in some cases still are:
- having a car (I solved this one)
- money to pay rent, utilities, groceries, car, and other necessary items. (So far, so good)
- having a job (working on this one, so far receiving a large number of favorable responses to my CV, and have had several interviews and several more upcoming. Ability to use the phone remains an issue.)
- meeting men (I DO wish to be remarried)
- learning Hebrew (I am in ulpan 6 days a week, every morning for 4.5 hours)
I think I am doing REALLY WELL given all this...
Now, with regard to the issue of meeting men: I have been rather recalcitrant of late with regard to this issue -- both in terms of actually meeting men and in terms of discussing it. The recalcitrance in meeting men is NOT due to shyness or fear. It is due to the overwhelming tiredness I feel and my need to have a clear and relaxed mind when meeting men. I do not want the negatives of my life to cast a shadow over my efforts. I want very much to leave the negatives behind me, in the dust of my life.
However, I have not been devoid of efforts to meet men. I am on Frumster and Saw You At Sinai. I do tell friends that I am interested in being fixed up (although I have yet to have anyone offer to fix me up and I do not know if it is because no one has anyone to fix me up with, or if it is because they think I am too difficult or too weird to fix up.
But recently I had an experience that really gives credence to my claim that many of the men who are age appropriate for me are damaged goods. Here is what happened: a gentleman contacted me via Frumster, indicating interest in me. I responded positively and we exchanged a few emails. I was interested in him although there was ONE thing that bothered me about him. He wrote in his profile that he does not like "aggressive women". I am pretty outgoing, and I am a bit of a fighter -- I have had to be, most of my life. I consider myself assertive but there are those who think the difference between aggressive and assertive is hair-splitting. But since everything else seemed okay I allowed myself to pursue this. And this is what happened:
He indicated a desire to meet me early this week. I explained to him that would not work since I am in ulpan and at the moment very involved in the business of acquiring a car. I said that it was POSSIBLE that I could be available later in the week. He then reluctantly agreed to this, but with what was essentially an ultimatum, that if I could not meet him this week, then he would consider it an indication that I am not serious about finding a husband and getting married!
I was definitely put off by this. We had agreed to a Thursday evening meet, at a place of my choice in J'lem. Then, last night my son-in-law offhandedly mentioned to me that his school is having a graduation ceremony for his class on Thursday evening in Haifa. He had not informed me sooner, the result of his own indifference to this event. But for me, I cannot be indifferent. I feel very strongly that he needs to participate and that we need to be there. It is important to me that he feel good about himself. He needs this. So, I was thus in the position of having to excuse myself from the date for Thursday night. I sent this man an email explaining the situation. I suggested that we could meet after Yom Kippur. His response?
"There is NO way in my mind that you would make a time for us an entire week after meeting over Frumster, then ask me to meet you another almost 2 weeks after that.
Your need to re schedule is obviously fine. IF you are serious about wanting to wait almost 3 weeks to meet me after seeming so interested and telling me how lonely you are,...then I guess you have an awfully lot of self confidence that there are LOADS of younger men "out there" who are decent looking , financially/emotionally stable, don't mind your extreme hearing loss and who aren't solely interested in sleeping around, with YOU as their next target.
Your signals are incredibly mixed. I'm not at all sure you know what you want at this point, at least as it relates to another marriage.
When you decide you are serious about dating, please write me back and if I am not already serious with someone else, we can meet for coffee, or lunch.
My next wife will make ME a priority , not to have to squeeze me in between some other commitments she may have in Jerusalem weeks later."
I was not surprised at this response given his "ultimatum" beforehand. But I am kind of dumbfounded at the extremeness of his position. He wants me to make him a "priority" in my life before we have even met! He shows a clear lack of understanding with regard to familial obligations, and with regard to MY time: there is no way I am going to go gallivanting on a date just days before Rosh Hashanah when I have tons of work to do to prepare meals and do shopping, etc., all while attending ulpan every day for half a day!
I think I am not being unreasonable. But I would love to hear how my friends and family think about this. What are YOUR thoughts?