I put my trust in Hashem. But DO I??? I recently had an experience that caused me much cause for concern and I was extremely worried.
What happened was I had sent a cashier's check for a large sum of money to a vendor who was providing me a with a service, related to my aliyah. I sent it via FedEx so it could be tracked. I am EXTREMELY organized and of course I have in my aliyah binder, the receipt from FedEx with the tracking number and the receipt for the cashier's check from my bank.
Anyway, last night the vendor contacted me asking me if I had ever sent him the check. I was rather nonplussed as I HAD sent it to him, a bit over a MONTH ago, I had even emailed him TWICE confirming it. And NOW, one month later, he is telling me he never got it!
So, of course, first I track it via FedEx. DELIVERED. So then I call my bank. CASHED. So, I get back in touch with the vendor. Are you SURE you never got the check? After all, it was both delivered and cashed. He tells me NOPE, never got it, never cashed (deposited) it. He tells me that IF he had received the check, it would have been immediately deposited, and his bank account number would be on the back of the check. He gave me the account number.
I was going to go first thing in the morning to my bank to get a copy of the cashed check, front and back. IF his account number was NOT on the bank, then I would have to file a claim for a fraudulent check cashing, and get the police involved. BUT -- this is NOT covered by the FDIC, nor by my renters insurance, nor by the shipping insurance. I was "shit out of luck" as they say for a large sum of money -- WHICH I DO NOT HAVE!
So, of course it was with an extremely heavy heart and upset stomach and screaming nerves that I forced myself to bed last night. I was extremely WORRIED. I woke up at just shy of 4AM, with but one thought in my head -- worry about this check.
I decide to check my email. Here is what I found, from the vendor who told me that he had not received the check:
"Your check was received and deposited early last month. I thought it was since I made the note on your invoice and I am careful on that matter. It was deposited with another check and therefore was over the amount I did the "History Search" for. I am extremely sorry for the confusion."
Now, he "made a note on my invoice and he is careful in the matter" -- and yet, he claimed not to have received the check??? Yes, he apologized, and Yes, I am extremely relieved.
And a little annoyed. But that will pass.
But I was just now, also trying to understand what I was supposed to learn from this. And, it hit me: I was supposed to learn to TRUST IN HASHEM. To not worry so much. To relax a little bit (just a little) and to trust that Hashem will not let me down and that things will BE OKAY!!! That I will be okay.
So, I SAY I trust in Hashem. But when I worry needlessly about things like this, doesn't that negate what I say? So, I know I have to learn this lesson. It is not an easy one to learn. That is what my next prayer to Hashem will include - a request for His assistance in learning this lesson.